The most amazing Star Wars movie pitch ever created!

By on April 18, 2013

Easily one of the most impressive single takes in Parks & Recreation history, Patton Oswalt made a guest appearance recently and absolutely stole the show with an eight-minute speech on his idea for a Star Wars movie that also combines two other major movie franchises. I won’t spoil anything, just watch! (And check out the ridiculously awesome movie poster at the bottom of this post. It was created by Entertainment Weekly in honor of Patton’s performance.)

A full recap of the entire transcript can be found below (credit for to the kickass transcription goes to Reddit user Il_Nessuno).

Patton Oswalt: Article 7, Section 3 allows for a citizen filibuster. If I stand here and refuse to yield my time, you are prohibited from voting on the bill. Let the filibustering begin! As many of you have noted, that use the internet, it has been announced that Disney has acquired the rights to the Star Wars franchise and in the summer of 2015 we will see the release of Star Wars Episode 7. Herewith is my proposal for the plot of that movie.

Begin with standard title sequence and John Williams fanfare followed by a scroll to be written. I would like to mention that Brian de Palma wrote the original opening scroll for Star Wars Episode 4: A New Hope. I think it would be a nice nod, uh, to the franchise if were to write this opening scroll. Then pan down from the twin suns of Tattoine, uh, we are now close on the mouth of the Sarlacc pit. After a beat, the gloved, Mandalorian armor gauntlet of Boba Fett grabs onto the sand outside the Sarlacc pit and the feared bounty hunter pulls himself from the maw of the sand beast.

Amy Poehler: (interrupting) Okay this is exactly…

Patton: And we, and we realize that he survived his fall during the battle at Jabba’s, uh, palace ship. Then do a hard cut to a repurposed Imperial Destroyer which has now been taken over by the rebels. Commander Luke Skywalker, now a full Jedi knight, training new padawans is using, ironically, uh, his father Anakin’s red lightsaber which will be a symbolic visual for his battle with how to both bring the new Jedi order while still acknowledging his father’s fall from grace.

Amy: (interrupting) This is a…

Patton: (getting louder) As he is training the padawans, we pan outside of the control window to a nearby asteroid where we see, and please allow me to finish this because this is going to seem like a bit of a jump, we see Thanos who was the villain tease at the end of the first Avengers movie. Now Thanos, as you know owns the Infinity Gauntlet which has the Time Gem, the Mind Gem, the Power Gem, the Space Gem, and the Reality Gem. If he holds the Reality Gem, that means he can jump from different realities. This will be our link to the Marvel Universe from the Star Wars Universe. Uh, we then cut to Earth. Uh, Tony Stark, uh realizes…

Amy: Okay okay…

Patton: (getting louder) Tony Stark realizes…

Amy: This is someone that I know. I know who that is. I know who that is. This is the first person I’ve known.

Patton: Tony Stark realizes, I do not recognize the chair, Tony stark realizes that there has been a disturbance in what he will call a “time ribbon”, for the time being I will allow J.J. Abrams to think of a better term for this. Uh, and, and he then starts to assemble the cream of the Marvel universe, not the second tier superheroes that we saw in the first Avengers movie-I’m sorry but Hawkeye and Black Widow are not first tier, he would go find, uh hello, Spider-Man; Spider-Man exists in that universe. He would go find Moon Knight, he would go find Daredevil, he would go, uh, find Hercules and then that can bring in the entire, uh, pantheon of Greek gods that we saw in Clash and Wrath of the Titans.

So now we have a giant three franchise tie-in. Now cut back to the Imperial Star Destroyer. Uh, Luke gets a visit from, and we only show this from the boots up first, so we show these like black boots with the- and then we pan up and, oh my god it’s Han Solo. But he’s old, older and grizzled and really, like focused and cool like he’s seen some really bad stuff and he actually seems shaken. And, and Luke is like what’s wrong old buddy? And that’s when Han drops Chewbacca’s severed head onto the floor, yes in front of all the padawans…

Amy: No way! Kids aren’t going to like this…kids are not going to like this!

Patton: Please let me finish, thank you! The padawans are all horrified and Han says that the planet Kashyyyk has been destroyed by this very mysterious force. Now we know, oh this was Thanos. Thanos is beginning to uh, you know gather power in this new universe. So, uh, while they take Chewy’s head down to-cause we’ve seen that you know they can build new bodies, they’ve gonna build Chewy this really cool robot, I’m thinking spider body, you know like a cool spider body with Chewy’s head and ion cannons on it. But that will be in the- he’ll come back- that’ll be the post-credits tease of this film so keep that in mind. So I don’t want you guys bummed out cause Chewbacca’s not dead he will come back. Uh, then, uh, and then Han al- Luke looks down and Han’s wedding ring is gone, hey what happened with you and Leia? And Han’s like, don’t even get me started on that. So now, where did Leia go? Where did Leia go? She’s not gone but we will find out…

Amy: (interrupting) But the female part’s a little underwritten so far, sir. I’d like to point that out.

Patton: I am, I- citizen filibuster, thank you. And really thank you for respecting our town laws by interrupting me during this. Uh, where was I? Yes.

Amy: (interrupting) This is exactly why we need to…

Patton: (getting louder) Then at the, then at the edge of the Star Destroyers orbit suddenly the time ribbon begins wavering and what comes through, the X-Mens’ Quinjet, that’s right. What we did was back on Earth, we showed him gathering up all the heroes but we didn’t see him gathering up the X-Men so oh my goodness. Now Wolverine’s going to be there, now Cyclops is going to be there. So the Quinjet comes through, Luke gets in his X-Wing to go out and met them. And they engage in this awesome star battle. And it looks like the Quinjet actually is going to shoot Luke down and suddenly this volley of lasers comes in and what comes flying in, is- we think it’s going to be the Millennium Falcon just like in Episode 4 when he comes in and saves him during the Battle of Yavin, but no. It is Slave I.

That’s right Boba Fett’s ship, Slave I, has to save Luke because of course he’s trying to track Han, he can’t have Luke die. So then now, it’s a battle between the Quinjet, between the X-Wing, between Slave I and then we see the Millenium Falcon (At this point you hear whispering and people getting up from their chairs) is flying away, so uh, now Slave I goes off to do that.

But then we cut down to Corsucan (Patton misspoke and probably meant Coruscant) where, uh, Princess Leia is now consulting with Lando Calrissian. Now it looks like they’re just having a very intense meeting about trade regulations and about- I will not, I will not finish my speaking- about trade regulations but then suddenly when the rest of the council meeting leaves, they fall into each other’s arms oh my god. Lando Calrissian and Princess Leia are having an affair and that is why Han Solo, because look, Lando Calrissian was like hey if I’m going to lose the Millenium Falcon to you, I’ll just take your woman. And he has. So now we set that triangle up.

Now, cut back to the Quinjet, and Reed Richards from the Fantastic Four is piloting it. Oh it was a fake-out! He, it’s him and we have select members of the X-Men that I thought in my opinion were not, uh, focused on properly in the earlier films. We have Colossus in there, we have X-23, which is Wolverine’s daughter, and then we have a now have a mind-controlled Sabertooth and of course, Wolverine. Imagine those two going up against Robot Chewbacca ‘cause that’s going to happen. That is what we’re teasing right now. I have literally no fluid in my mouth; I have to do a Marco Rubio, can we please cut?



About Mike Flacy

By day, I'm the Editor-in-Chief for The CheckOut in addition to being the content manager for Steve's Digicams and High-Def Digest. During my free time, I love to write about pop culture, home theater, digital photography, social media, mobile technology and cool gadgets!

One Comment

  1. McKayla

    May 15, 2013 at 10:45 am

    No tie-ins to Battlestar Galactica?

    Not impressed.

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