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10 Features that Google Glass Won’t Support Day 1 or Day 10,000

By on April 11, 2013

The future of Google Glass is almost blindingly bright. Google is very high on Google Glass and wants to give the public much more than just a smartphone alternative or auxiliary.  Google is aiming for groundbreaking features, but with great potential comes great power…or some such.  Here are 10 lifestyle-changing features that are just beyond the scope of Google Glass. Or are they?

1. The Annoying Person Detector

One way smartphones can be real timesavers is by creating a much-needed buffer between you and that chatty neighbor who does not always get that you have to be somewhere.  Holding up a phone or tablet to appear busy and avoid contact isn’t always effective or practical.

Simpsons-Oogle-Goggles

With Google Glass, the camera and microphone can be set to detect that certain chatty person and then set off a series of notifications, allowing you to squeeze past unmolested.  Customizable tones from single dings to Jurassic Park animal sex sounds should be enough to dissuade your many would-be tormentors.

2. The Tiny Fireworks Emitter

Glass JubileeEven better are tiny fireworks.  A person with tiny fireworks emitting from their data interface glasses should not be stopped to talk about the weather. But a Google+ capable facial lightshow can do more than just scare away time thieves.  Just imagine March Madness games ending with tiny facial light shows tied into you and your friends’ brackets.  Birthday candles become passé, as friends and family gather together to create festive little light shows on special occasions.

 

3. Better Dining for Foodies

As Google Glass seeks to enhance person-to-person interaction, it can be an asset to the challenging dynamics of the service industry.  Google Glass could display a waitperson’s given name, ensuring a courteous and mutually beneficial exchange.  In Dining Out mode, Google Glass could display running counters to track service times as well as checklists for the accuracy of your food orders.  With the help of Google Glass, tipping reaches hitherto-unrealized heights of scientific precision!

4. Movie Night Enhanced

Much has been made of the potential for Google Glass to create subtitles on the fly, but there’s an area of communication even more in need of translation by Google Glass: namely, cinema.  Nothing saves a middling filmgoing experience like laughter, and a running track of alternate subtitles could alleviate Jar-Jar levels of film flubs.  Furthermore, the popularity of alternate subtitle tracks ultimately leads to smarter decision-making on the part of movie producers.

Glass Jar Jar

5. The Athletic Coach

Google Glass could really help your fitness regimen far beyond the humdrum assistance of a Nike+ or Wii Fit.  By just running from point A to point B, you could instantly derive graph after graph of running progress and helpful tips.  What could be really mind-blowing, though, is an application as an athletic coach.  By stepping into a batting cage, you could get timing and location tips that’d be the envy of professional players.  Google Glass could even simulate woozy vision for times when you’re failing to meet the standard.  See spots? Then you’re doing it wrong!  There is just one drawback: sweat.

6. Sweat Be Gone

Glass SweatbandFew things are more important than being able to see.  That’s why cars have windshield wipers and houses have lots and lots of light switches.  In order for Google Glass to fully integrate itself in your life, there is one major issue yet to be addressed.  That issue is sweat.  Yet, by deploying a frame-sized sweatband, athletic and similarly physical applications could still know the joy of Google Glass.  When you want to get physical,  just reach for Google Glass.

7. The Cat Whisperer

Obviously, a high-tech ocular enhancement like Google Glass needs to equip you with laser vision. But not necessarily the X-Men variety.  It doesn’t even need the kind of laser that can blind helicopter pilots or point things out on a white board.  What Google Glass needs is a pair of lasers that projects points only visible to cats.  With such a capability, the user could become a mighty cat god with the potential to herd cats at will.

Glass Cyclops Cat

8. The Truth Bringer

Speaking of cats (that’s a segue), Google Glass needs to be able to look into people’s souls and judge their worth.  With ongoing biometric scanning, you could administer lie detection after a few short question and answer sessions.  Questions of a logistical or verifiable nature could even be analyzed, giving you the ability to rapidly correlate answers with social networks and other online databases.  While shining the powerful light of truth is quite handy, the device’s capture abilities could extend further.  By hyper-focusing the camera, Google Glass could extract and catalog the very soul of your target.

Glass The Shadow

9. Always ARI

In the PS3 game Heavy Rain, FBI agent Norman Jayden accesses Google Glass tech in the form of the Added Reality Interface (ARI).  With the aid of ARI, Norman not only detects and analyzes all sorts of unmentionable forensic evidence, but he even turns a boring office into the surface of Mars.  Through a combination of heavy ARI usage and some creative self-medication, Jayden eventually manages to involuntarily access ARI’s virtual world without even utilizing the device.  Smartphones are for pockets, Google Glass is for life.

Glass ARI Mars

10. Your Life Empowered

The aim of Google Glass is to harness the power of technology and the internet  through augmented reality while simultaneously freeing you from a dependence on smartphones, tablets, notebooks, etc.  Google Glass is not only sure to succeed, but version 2.0 is almost undoubtedly already in the works. With Google Glass 2.0, you not only will be able to incorporate lesser devices but ultimately siphon off the life force of others.  As the most powerful Google Glass users emerge, these life-empowering devices will archive the ensuing power struggle for all posterity. And you’ll be able to Google it.

Glass EDork

 

About Brian Hoss

As a video game designer, I have worked for years with companies like Activision, Electronic Arts and Zenimax. Naturally, my fascination with technology, the internet, and the age-old social sharing of storytelling has prompted me to indulge writing for The CheckOut. Google BMH

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