The Best (and Worst) E3 Press Conference Possibilities

This is the week when video games gingerly pop through the culture veil the most that it ever does in a year. From the perspectives of mainstream news people, E3 is like a particularly volatile bubble arising through the ocean. From the perspectives of the game news people, it’s like being that bubble over and over again for 72 hours. Nintendo, Microsoft and Sony lead the way. Third-party publishers Ubisoft, EA and, for the first time this year, Bethesda, do their best not to repeat what the other guys are doing.

Each E3 press conference is airing sometime over the next two days over on Twitch. Head over there for the full schedule too.

Currently, approximately three million articles have been published trying to guess what’s going to happen at E3 2015. This is the article that doesn’t care about guessing. It’s more about assuming we always get what we want and the aforementioned companies exist solely to please the masses.

(These are all guesses. None of it is real. Take the blue pill.)

Bethesda

The best thing that can happen at the Bethesda press conference is the Bethesda E3 press conference. It’s the first one for this emerging behemoth. Let’s not let expectation get too high.

That was a joke.

The most obvious candidates for spotlights at Bethesda’s conference are Doom 4, Fallout 4 and a sequel to Dishonored that wasn’t announced until about an hour ago when one of the presenters accidentally talked about it on a hot mike during rehearsal (that’s not a joke). In spite of all of those goodies, Bethesda could pull a real “E3” on us and announce that Battlecry, a free-to-play online competitive brawler long in development, is ready to go, right now. If you want people to remember the name, give them stuff for free as soon as possible. I think Gabe Newell said that.

The Worst Thing: Bethesda announces a brand new MOBA that combines characters and environments from its vast array of intellectual properties. It’s called Heroes of the Scrolls and Robot Hitler from Wolfenstein is on the cover.

Microsoft

This year Microsoft is a PC company, not a console company. Windows 10 is rolling into full release over the summer. The Xbox One has already been updated for some kind of dramatic change or addition. The promise of integrated operating systems between the two platforms might, in at least some small but significant way, be realized. The best version of this is a shared development ecosystem where developers are given the freedom to publish the same version of the same game on both PC and the Xbox One.

There is one game that could make this all very exciting…

The Worst Version of This: Halo 5 is coming to PC. Xbox One and PC players can play together. All the PC players win all the time. For once, Sony is grateful for the complete lack of cohesion between its divisions.

EA

Star Wars Battlefront will be there. Sports games will be there. Need for Speed will most certainly return to the spotlight. Random free pieces of gear will probably magically pop up in Dragon Age: Inquisition accounts. EA’s struggle is its lack of struggle. The process is too easy for the veteran winner.

The best thing EA can do to get the gamer’s attention is to upend that process, at least a little bit. Resurrect Criterion, the makers of Burnout bought up and shit out by the publisher, and announce an off-the-walls reboot of the superior racing franchise. Make a game about a sport where people aren’t kicking each other in the head on a regular basis.

Chances are we’ll get a sneak peak at an adventure-style Star Wars game due out whenever the next next Star Wars film does the same. EA signed a 10-year deal with Disney for the Star Wars video game license, another testament to horrific levels of influence and power (the other is Darth Vadar). If Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic 3 hits that stage, though, fanboys will die (in a good way).

The Bad Way to Do Star Wars: Star Wars: The Force Awakens is getting a direct movie tie-in game. The combat is exactly the same as the Batman: Arkham series and, for an extra $20 season pass, you can beat the game.

Ubisoft

Chill out, Ubisoft. Just chill. Assassin’s Creed is not the new bible. We don’t need new interpretations of the same story on an annual basis. There is only one game people really want to hear about from you. It does not involve assassins. It’s called The Division, and it needs to be better than Destiny. People don’t want to play Bungie’s Destiny anymore, but it’s an addiction. Save the addicts, Ubisoft. Start us on a new addiction.

Something that Isn’t The Division: Assassin’s Creed is now a bi-annual franchise being developed by 35 different studios. The next game in the franchise is set in the future, when buildings are built in very close proximity to each other and hay bales are dispersed randomly around the streets to repel invading alien forces. The aliens are the Templars, who are actually human beings. The Assassins are the aliens. You’re just a guy smoking drugs.

Sony

The mantra out of Sony’s mouth these past few years has been “for the gamers.” It’s worked well. The PS4 is unquestioningly winning the war, but Microsoft knows this and is making the right adjustments. It’s up to Sony and the PS4 to adjust to the adjustments, which means exactly one thing: deliver on the AAA exclusives. Metal Gear Solid V: The Phantom Pain is guaranteed to blow people away, but with Bloodborne already on the market and No Man’s Sky as the most exciting thing that isn’t a stealth game, there isn’t too much on the horizon. Oh, wait a second.

Sony’s best bet is keeping it simple; keeping it pure. In other words, Uncharted 4: A Thief’s End needs to be the greatest game ever created, at least for the 15 minutes it’s bound to eat up during the E3 press conference. The game hasn’t really hit the public consciousness yet. This is the year it does.

What Shouldn’t Take Up 15 Minutes: Sony reveals 58 indie titles exclusive to its various platforms for, at a minimum, one hour after release.

Nintendo

Expect amiibo. Expect a little Yoshi. Expect a lot of Star Fox. Nintendo’s job at its E3 press conference (which is actually a Nintendo Direct airing here), isn’t to convince people it makes great games. Nobody disputes that. Nintendo’s job, instead, is to convince people it still makes things that can play great games. It’s unlikely the company shows off the Nintendo NX – the confirmed but not detailed predecessor to the Wii U – since the company still wants people buying the Wii U.

But unlikely does not mean impossible, so gamers are naturally assuming it will happen. The best version of the Nintendo NX is a console that plays Wii U games, is compatible with the Gamepad, shows graphical parity with the modern consoles and, above all, let’s fanboys convince themselves that they made the right purchase and their lives are not a giant waste of time. That last part is tricky, since every fanboy’s life is a waste of time (mine included).

The Worst Version of the Nintendo NX: It’s actually just a pad that reads amiibo. All amiibo unlock old Nintendo video games completely randomly. New games are only available to those who own the right combination of amiibo. If you don’t buy amiibo, Nintendo hates you. Wouldn’t you rather Nintendo love you?