The bond between us and our dogs and cats is much stronger than that of just mere pets… we prefer to think of them as servants or slaves. Minions, even. And the lesson we learned when we tried to create that race of supermen (don’t ask) was you gotta treat your minions properly.

Just like grown males ages 25 – 40, pets need toys, too. More so, even, since they can’t leave the house as easily as us. It’s important to keep your pets entertained to give them a fulfilling life, and ward off a possible mutiny.  That’s why we’ve compiled this list of Pet Toys – they look so fun, you’ll want to play with them yourself!

Whack-a-Mouse Cat Toy

Whack-a-Mole’s not that hard, it just involves a little agility and a lot of reflexes – which makes it perfect for cats, because either of those traits can fit into the phrase “… has the ________ of a cat.” Replace the mole with a mouse and replace the machine that operates it with a human sucker, and you have a fairground game that cats can play, too. You can’t say that for the Milk Can Ball Toss.

Check Amazon for the Whack-a-Mouse Cat Toy

Cowboy Dog Rider Costume

Sigh… If only we could ride our dog like that… We’ll have to live vicariously through the 8″ plastic cowboy, instead. The Cowboy Dog Rider Costume makes the comings and goings of your dog into a funny joke, and if it tries to shake the costume off, then it’s a free rodeo right in your living room!

Buy the Cowboy Dog Rider Costume Here

Cats Attack Scratching Post

It’s something  every cat owner knows, but none of them want to admit: if your cat were ten times bigger, it would eat you. Just be thankful it is the size that it is, and let it unleash its animalistic fury on other pint-sized objects.  This Cats Attack Scratching Post gives Fluffy its own cardboard downtown Tokyo to terrorize, so maybe it’ll show mercy on your couch.

Buy the Cats Attack Scratching Post Here

Zombie Foot Dog Toy

Dogs leave the darned things on our doorsteps, don’t they? If it’s not their latest hunting trophy, then it’s an undead severed appendage. Zombie lovers will have a lot of fun with this Zombie Foot Dog Toy, and dogs will too because really it’s not hard to entertain a dog.

Buy the Zombie Foot Dog Toy Here

To Scarborough Fair Hats for Cats

Your cat pee somewhere it shouldn’t have? We recommend punishing it by buying it an adorable hat. You’ll love these Hats for Cats from To Scarborough Fair, with a wide variety of styles and motifs. As for your cat… it doesn’t appreciate the subtleties of fashion.

Buy the To Scarborough Fair Hats for Cats Here

Duckbilled Dog Muzzle

A dog with a duckbill looks like a science experiment gone wrong (or right?), but if the platypus can make do, so can Fido. Soften the “BDSM” undertones of standard muzzles with this funny Duckbilled Dog Muzzle. Not only does it effectively prevent your canine from barking or biting, it also prevents him or her from being taken seriously!

Check Amazon for the Duckbilled Dog Muzzle

Shark Nano Pet Bed

Jaws may have scared a generation from swimming in the ocean, but it went right over our pets’ heads! Believe it or not, the best part about the Shark Nano Pet Bed isn’t the badass shark design – the nano technology material is antiseptic and lightweight, meaning this thing is clean, odorless, and easy to move!

Check Amazon for the Shark Nano Pet Bed

Bowser Beer for Dogs

Now you don’t have to drink alone! As you might have guessed, Bowser Beer for Dogs is beer for dogs – the special ingredients (including malt barley) is high in protein and great for shiny coats and joint health. It is non-alcoholic, though, but that’s for the best… you know how Fido gets after he’s had a few.

Check Amazon for the Bowser Beer for Dogs

Pet Toys Fido Would Buy If His Card Wasn’t Maxed Out