Your 10th birthday is coming up, and all you really want is an iPhone.  You’ve been dropping hints to your dad and everyone else around Vault 101, but when gift time comes around, all you get is a clunky, hand-me-down Pip-Boy!  And everyone looks at you like you’re supposed to be grateful!  Like you should be happy that for the rest of your life you have to wear a heavy tin bracelet coated in someone else’s wrist sweat.  (Well, at least you also got that BB gun.)

In all honesty, though, the Pip-Boy isn’t all bad, as nearly everyone in Fallout can attest too.  In fact, if you put the iPhone and a Pip-Boy next to each other, you wouldn’t be able to tell the difference (if not for the size, weight, and that one’s permanently attached to you).

But ever since the nuclear apocalypse, consumers have to be smart because every bottle cap counts.  That’s why we compiled this comparison to help you decide between the best-selling iPhone 5 and the government-mandated Pip-Boy 3000.

Interface: iPhone 5

The iPhone 5 features a state-of-the-art touch screen, the forerunner of modern-day technology.  The Pip-Boy has 3 buttons and a knob.  The iPhone 5 is able to bring up keyboards of almost any language and is even adaptable to sketching.  The Pip-Boy has 3 buttons and a knob.

Durability: Pip-Boy 3000

The iPhone’s tough, but is it mutant-with-a-missile-launcher tough?  Most charred body remains say “no.”  The Pip-Boy 3000 is tough enough to survive a bomb blast… even if you’re not.

Upgrades: iPhone 5

The iPhone gets updated every few years, at most, and Apple’s trade-in policy makes it easy to always have the most recent version of your phone.  On the other hand, the Pip-Boy 3000 has not once been upgraded in 100 years, nor will it ever be because everyone who understands it is dead.  Point, iPhone.

Personal Organization: Pip-Boy 3000

Another close call.  With the iPhone store, users can download any number of apps to help organize their work, social, or personal lives.  You can make notes to yourself, shuffle around money with a banking app, and of course contact anyone you know at the push of a button.

The Pip-Boy 3000 may not have any downloadable apps or wireless connection… but it can read your vital signs.  When a stray bullet hits your leg right in the middle of a gunfight with a street gang, you’ll want to know if you’re going to live, not what the TV Guide app says is on tonight.

Affordability: iPhone 5

Depending on where you shop and what plan you get, the iPhone 5 doesn’t have to break the bank… whereas the Pip-Boy 3000 has been long since discontinued and the only time they become available is when someone dies.  On the bright side, you can buy a brand new replica here.

Service Provider: Pip-Boy 3000

We may live in a world governed by the chaos of street law, the barbarianism of mutants, and the inadequate protection of a corrupt government… but we still prefer that over the tyranny of standard service providers.

So there you have it.  As an informed consumer, you are now able to make the right decision about which portable device to entrust your life with.  Some people may prefer the flashy, user-friendly iPhones for they’re treks across the wasteland, but us… we prefer the one that will keep us alive the longest.

Visual Design: Pip-Boy 3000

This was a tough category.  Clearly the iPhone has sharper graphics and a more stylish design for its icons and programs… so why did the Pip-Boy 3000 win?  You just can’t beat that wavy-haired Vault Boy mascot.

Fantasy Face/Off Winner: Pip-Boy 3000 by a Slim Margin (4-3)

Fantasy Face/Off: Pip-Boy 3000 vs. iPhone 5