Americans, rejoice, the culmination of ESPN’s fiscal year is upon us. The Super Bowl is a time for drinking, drunkenness, inebriation and other sports fan pastimes, especially those involving alcohol. Most importantly, though, it’s a time to listen to retired athletes make a case for their continued future in broadcast television, while behind those plastered smiles is years-built shame and regret over having not reached the big game themselves.

Surely, the psychopathy stirring underneath whitened teeth and custom-tailored mega-suits is enough to keep the broadcast interesting, if not the burly men hurling themselves at each other on the field. Because, really, aren’t we all here for the commercials and half-time show? If there was ever another time for a wardrobe malfunction, monotheistic deity willing, this is it.

Of all the fundamental truths about the Super Bowl, though, the one faithful constant is its quality of excess. This is the most of all the TV things that can happen in a year, save the inevitable, impending Mars landing and World War Cyber. In the spirit of excess, let’s buy stuff while we wait for some country lovers try to kill some water-dwelling birds, because that’s what football (the NFL) is all about.

(Don’t forget to click on the pictures to get to the stuff)

Stuff Your Face

As always, nourishment comes first. If you don’t already have one of these things, then you can’t call yourself a man, according to law. And if you’re a woman, feel free to berate this post for its sexist leanings. I only listen to people with grills.

That’s a grill, in case it’s wings threw you off. This one’s the Weber Q 2200, because HAL was taken. This entire website, BBQGuys, is devoted to all things BBQ. They’ve got a running list of the top 10 portable gas grills, headlined by our futuristic friend.

Once you do have a football-approved cooking apparatus, ignore it and make this stuff with your normal kitchen gear. Now you’re living in excess.

Bon Appetite put together a sweet list of chicken wing recipes. Don’t order out. It’s lazy.

From Real Simple comes a pleasing list of crowd-pleasing dips. Feel free to dip the wings.

Also, feel free to head over to our binge watching guide for some more eatery and comfort suggestions. Mini hot dogs, mini pretzels and normal sized things await.

True Team Pride

What Patriots and Seahawks fans wear on the big day is what’s predictable. They’re going to put on their jerseys or Conference Champions shirts and sweat straight through them for a couple of hours. The NFL has a dedicated hub for that stuff. Everyone else, on the other hand, who isn’t sweating, has a much larger wardrobe choice at their disposal. For instance:

If you need these shirts explain, then you’ll never find them worthwhile. You’ll need to devote a certain amount of time to an FX show called The League, which is supposedly about a group of people in a fantasy football league together. In fact it’s about an insane man named Rafi and his unknowing victims.

As for the first of these three shirts:

Lacking humor and a soul, if you’re stubborn and insist on reminding the world just how great your team is, go ahead and just dawn the disgusting, yellowing rag you kept from that one time your team did anything worth a damn.

And for fans of the following teams: Arizona Cardinals, Atlanta Falcons, Carolina Panthers, San Diego Chargers, Tennessee Titans, Cincinnati Bengals, Philadelphia Eagles, Minnesota Vikings, Buffalo Bills, Cleveland Browns, Detroit Lions, Houston Texans and Jacksonville Jaguars. Here’s the shirt for the year you guys won:

Preparation

Ask any world-class athlete you know personally, and he or she will tell you the big day isn’t really about the big day, it’s about preparing for the big day. The Super Bowl is one such very large day. Luckily for the Joes of the world, staying in tip-top shape isn’t necessary to enjoying the Super Bowl for all that it is. Nope, all we have to do is watch our TVs very intently in the preceding week to make sure said TV doesn’t do something crazy like run away, or stop working. In the event that neither of those extremely likely things happen, you might as well watch one of these football-related movies over the course of your diligence.

Any Given Sunday – The Super Intense Football Movie

Jerry Maguire – The Love Story Shrouded Within a Football Movie, Movie

Remember the Titans – The One Where Denzel is the Best at What He Does

And if you’re really into the preparation stuff, maybe it’s a TV show to binge watch you need. There’s time, my friend, there’s always time, especially when that time is spent watching Tim Riggins be amazing at everything.

Friday Night Lights – When Teenagers are Way Too Emotionally Intelligent, But It’s Relatable Anyway

Playmakers – The Scripted Show ESPN Cancelled Because it Made the NFL Look Bad (read: it was realistic)

If you’re interested, here’s a great little rundown of the first and only season of Playmakers. A lot of stuff happened in that show that was more or less a precursor to real-life events in the sporting worlds. Gay athletes. Criminal athletes. Doped up athletes. It’s like the TV version of that NFL Blitz video game reboot, NFL Blitz: The League, where the camera would zoom in on bone-cracking injuries and managing your players’ drug intake was a part of the fun. For some reason neither NFL Blitz: The League or Playmakers could net officially licensed NFL team names for the final product.

And don’t forget, CNN put together a preview of the coveted commercials to air during the game this year. For some reason this is something CNN does now, but who am I to complain? Now I don’t even have to watch anything at all.

The Perfect Football

Your party attendees just might be in the football throwing mood. Don’t be the chump without the goods, man. How else will you tackle children without inciting legal recourse?

There’s the ridiculously overpriced “Official NFL Football” over at Dicks Sporting Goods. It’s $100. I won an official Washington Wizards game ball at an auction once for $40, but this was before John Wall, so it naturally went uncontested. You could go that route, or you could stand to have some friggin’ personality and get something like this:

Unless, of course, you’re the kind of guy who needs to be the quarterback, which means making sure those damned kids can’t grip the thing. If you aren’t an over-competitive middle-aged man still trying to prove he could have made it if he wanted to, just make the kids happy:

Just in Case

If the party does indeed transition to the outdoors, and there is that guy who really needs to use a man’s football, don’t shame in keeping the following products around, just in case the Patriots inspire more than love of country in your associates. Victory comes at a price, my friend, and that price is integrity.

Everything You Need to Prep for the Super Bowl